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October 2015

Grief worse than death of my biological father

My biological father passed away on 12 June 2015 from heart CRYINGfailure

Been a traditional cold-as-ice Asian father, he didn’t raised me and my sister and we both don’t talked for ages.

I remembered the day he give me away to my husband on the 7 July 2012, he advise me to be a good and obedient wife and care for my husband till death tear you apart. Patience and tolerance, every marriage there are always challenge. Be strong and have faith. That was the last, I’ve ever spoke to him till I met him at his death bed.

I didn’t cried hard on the day he died or even after he died – but only once my tears running, when I realised that he is indeed my father, who does love me and care but he is not there for me when I need him most but he will be gone forever. I hide my tears in the room and sobbed for half an hour incontrollably.

I realised that your loved one don’t just die from your life and that over time you won’t forget about them much, they live on quite vividly actually in your memory.

Of course, I was sad when my father passed away. I was glad that I spent a time getting to know him while he was on his death bed at home in Tampines as I knew much more about him and that he is not a bad father after all. Matter of fact, he is kind, sensitive yet loving human being.

It would be a tragedy if the only memories of my dead father is a detached and aloof person of mystery.

My husband and I are proceeding in divorcing and its not only the departure of a person from their life but more significantly a loss of dreams, ideals, visions and fond memories.

You also experience other negative emotions of rejection, disappointment, bitterness, self blame, guilty, among others.

Of course, many people undergoing separation wish to jump into the acceptance phase so that they won’t need to suffer in misery.

The trouble about emotional healing is that there is no short cut here – one has to go through all the five stages of grief and sometimes one will hop back and forth ensuring that the whole process is well immersed. To many, it will be the most tragic period of their life but without pain there won’t be healing.

The pain and depression are actually nature way of preparing ourselves for the grief associated with our loss.

During this period, many people also tear easily and some even have to hide in the toilet and cry themselves out occasionally. We ought to give ourselves time and space to mourn as short-cutting it will only do ourselves more emotional harm. I could not eat nor sleep well and negative thoughts haunted my every living minute.

Is there anything else that is worse than dying? There is also this omnipresent sadness that hung around me like a everlasting shadow and proves difficult to shake off.

I later realised that it won’t go away for quite some time and later try to manage the depression the best I could.

I know that the marriage is as good as gone but how then can I use my pain to good effect?

I am a believer in sowing well so you can reap the benefits and knew from experience that there are two sides to every adversity.

You can either embrace and fight or run away and sulk in silence. I choose to fight for my right, my unborn child and live as a winner.

I just hope and pray, this pain will go away, as my growing fetus will eventually transform to a beautiful baby in the coming months…

“ I can feel the joy begins when new life is stirring inside…when a tiny heartbeat is heard for a very first time, and a playful kick reminds me that I never be alone “

Imaginary Friend

Grief worse than death of my biological father

Blue_LadyMy biological father passed away on 12 June 2015 from heart failure.

Been a traditional cold-as-ice Asian father, he didn’t raised me and my sister and we both don’t talked for ages.

I remembered the day he give me away to my husband on the 7 July 2012, he advise me to be a good and obedient wife and care for my husband till death tear you apart. Patience and tolerance, every marriage there are always challenge. Be strong and have faith. That was the last, I’ve ever spoke to him till I met him at his death bed.

I didn’t cried hard on the day he died or even after he died – but only once my tears running, when I realised that he is indeed my father, who does love me and care but he is not there for me when I need him most but he will be gone forever. I hide my tears in the room and sobbed for half an hour incontrollably.

I realised that your loved one don’t just die from your life and that over time you won’t forget about them much, they live on quite vividly actually in your memory.

Of course, I was sad when my father passed away. I was glad that I spent a time getting to know him while he was on his death bed at home in Tampines as I knew much more about him and that he is not a bad father after all. Matter of fact, he is kind, sensitive yet loving human being.

It would be a tragedy if the only memories of my dead father is a detached and aloof person of mystery.

My husband and I are proceeding in divorcing and its not only the departure of a person from their life but more significantly a loss of dreams, ideals, visions and fond memories.

I disagreed with many that the aftermath feeling from a divorce is like the experiences of someone close by passing away.

I read about the five-steps grieve process is still the same, the intensity is actually ten times worse as your family is still around but they have chose to leave you out of their life. The self-rejection feeling is very intense here and more so I guess if your spouse has left you for another person.

Psychologists have identified the grief process into five categories and most of those who experience grief will roughly go through the different stages:- Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance.

Above all, this is true. I realised that if we don’t address this properly, I can go into a bottomless pit of depression and even turn suicidal. I learn to forgive and let go. Of course it will be painful, tough and emotional challenging, however, I believe healing will probably take place sooner..

I isolated alot by myself, kept alot in a room – it was my way of mourning over the loss of a 3 years of marriage. and 7 years of relationships.

I learnt about life, when someone dies, he is gone and life somehow moves on for those who are grieving. However, when you divorce, you experienced much more conflicting emotions of which there are no right words to describe.

You kept pondering whether you can make amends and hope that things will be back to normal…but it is not meant to be after all that had happened.

“ Every passing minute is another chance to turn it all around “

A storm brewing

my-silence-is-just-ano

My silence is just another word of pain. I developed  depression and anxiety attacks for the last two years.

The pain and shock of discovering a partner’s infidelity can be one of life’s most traumatic events.  As such, it should come as no surprise that it often takes several years for couples to effectively repair a relationship after infidelity comes to light.

Jan 2013, he said he need to take a break to Bintan as he is so caught up with work load. He planned for weekend getaway. I was on 5.5 days work routine and that is disadvantage for me to tag along. I trusted him, and let him go on his own, but he is not alone eventually. Both on a romantic getaway alone. I find out the whole story from his ex-colleagues literally.

The fightings only came about during the last 9 months of our marriage (involvement of the third party). He would said sorry and make up after that but it only lasts only for a weeks before we had a dispute again.

Since that day, my husband and I, we can’t see eye to eye on every other single issue and I feel he verbally abuses me.

He uses very harsh words which viewed a lot of resentment towards him. Moreover, the recent quarrels ended up in fights and I suffered bruises.

He didn’t made efforts by bringing me out for trips but I really feel that he should talk to me with more respect. But he would think I am asking for too much.

He thinks that I should be the understanding wife like his mum to his dad and tolerate his temper whenever he is angry as he said after he cooled down everything will be ok.

Recently, our sex life is suffering because he feels that as a wife I should have more initiative if not he does not have the mood either.

With all the resentment, I cant bring myself to go near him although I tried a few times but ended up feeling disgusted with myself..

He is always angry with me and think that I am silly because of my ignorance on many issues.

We both have different values in life too. He is hard working person, I don’t deny that. In fact he is a workaholic. While I am a more calm person in life.

Perhaps the frequent absence from each another as husband and wife has exaceberated the cracks already found within the relationship. Its a bittersweet feeling really and I am glad that all this happens in Singapore, I’m blessed.

“”I wish that I had NEVER MET YOU. Then there would be no need to impress you. No need to want you. No need for loving you. No need for crying over you. No need for heartbreaks. No need for pain or tears. No need for forgotten promises. No need for rejected hugs. No need for acting like you care. No need, for everything you’ve done to make feel like absolutely nothing..””

I sense a storm coming my way…

Anxiety, Lost, Devastating, Loneliness ..

crying_face_by_angeli7-d68uvtn

When your marriage is over, your world feels like it’s been turned upside down. One moment your life is filled with love and affection, caring and being supportive for one another, waking up each day with a smile on your face, ready to face the world … and then, boom! A bomb is dropped in your life suddenly, like a glass vase falling off your shelf. Pieces everywhere, emotions intensely prevalent and then, you are at a loss, not knowing exactly caused this to occur.

End the marriage amiably so that we can still be friends. I don’t even want this to happen, I wanted a committed happy marriage and I thought love could overcome everything and he will return back to me but I guess he no longer loves me anymore.

I guess I can’t let go so easily to even go into annulment or divorce but I don’t have any other options left as he wants this path out.

It takes 2 hands to clap… Luckily or unluckily, we do not have any kids yet.

It’s just the assets we have, breaking all the news to our loved ones, hmmmm

I care too much for him and now I am really lost as to what I should do… I understand the difference between annulment and divorce but am in a huge dilemma on the route to take…

I have been separated for days already, however, the recovery process seems to take forever.

It’s like you thought that you are able to move on with your life already and then he continuously email and messaging my family members, saying how much he missed me, love me, and he need me…how I feel?  but then, with this, I have to go through the whole emotional stages again…grief, denial, acceptance etc.

I am now staying with mum. I choose to remain silent and in order to heal my broken heart. Now, in my heart is quiet. I don’t hear his nagging, the clicking of his fingers on his laptop or his farting in my presence. I don’t hear him leaving and returning. I love this quietness. I am finding myself.

My life may no longer have the love of a man, but I am fine. I know that Allah will always in my life, I will get through this and come out a winner. So what if I don’t ever find love again?

Goodbye, you cheating, egotistical, uncaring, lousy jerk of a man! Hello, my new life as a single, and looking forward to wider my career level.

I am currently unemployed and facing anxiety everyday. Please raise your voice, anyone out there in the same boat?

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